Growing Pains

No, not the tv show, I'm talking about in real life.

Now, it is one thing for me to talk about my brushes with death on a motorcycle, or the accidental murder of a spider in the shower, but it is quite another for me to delve into the darkest parts of my mind on a public forum...that is what journals are for. However, this has been on my mind and I want to talk about it...but it will be vague. It will be very vague.

For the past couple of weeks, I have found myself stumbling to make sense out of something that had once seemed so effortless. In true Edrei fashion, I got lost inside my head, running circles around this thing, and then as if I hadn't given it any thought at all, I cut the cord. To the untrained eye, I am someone who makes rash decisions. But what everyone doesn't know/understand about me is that I'm meticulous. I'm an over thinker. I think something out at every angle, almost obsessively and then I make my move. Even after it is done, I'm still thinking about it. Not only wondering if I did the right thing, but wondering what making that move has taught me.

I was being eaten alive by my thoughts for weeks, and then last Monday, I did what was right. Since then, many different things have been presented to me, causing me to rethink my choice while also confirming my decision.

I've always taken pride in knowing that I knew who I was and what I believed in. I wasn't always that person. It took a lot of time and energy to reach that point, and by the time I was 23, I was confident that I knew all there was to know about me. So naturally, at 25, I learned something else. I had another breakthrough at 29. And after having only been 30 for a day, I learned something else. In all of my self discoveries, I've learned things far more valuable than I ever could have imagined. But I think that the really important lessons are learned at an early age; one of the most important being that you can't undo something that has already been done.

I'm not suggesting that I want to undo something, because honestly, with this thing eating at me the way it was, I had to do something. Now, I'm tasked with figuring out how to amend this semi-permanent decision. It's a vicious cycle....